SEM: Safe Butt Sex

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Sex Ed Monday: Safe Butt Sex. A true fucking story {Pun intended}.

Caveat. If you are my family or friends and do not want to know very intimate things about me. OR if you have a problem with frank honest sex talk…

Don’t read this shit. {Once again. Pun intended}

~So it actually happened on a Monday. This story. My hubby stayed home from work on a Monday and I knew that was gonna fuck me all up {literally speaking}. I mean I had work to do and clients to see and a therapy appointment of my own to attend. But he was home and I love when we get free time together and I KNEW all I was gonna want to do was hang out with him anyhow. So once I was home from dropping off the girls at school, we agreed that we would have a quickie and then we would get back to our respective days, so I could keep to my schedule. Now. I have to back up just a little to give you a little more backstory. You see…butt plug sex was going to FOR SURE be a part of that quickie. And I’ll tell you why. Well my hubby…not unlike MANY other husbands across the globe, wants to fuck my ass. Well I’m not a big ass fuck fan. I know, a dirty girl like me…what the hell! But here’s the thing, anal…yea…it hurts! And so I told my hubby to capitalize on our alternative marriage orientation and find a girl in our swinging situation who wants to do it in the ass…since I’m not very good at it and not very interested in trying. And so we tried to get the green light within our swinging adventures. But nothing. Cause as it turns out, not a lot of women are into anal. Well not the ones that we have come across at least. And the very few that are into it…reserve that sexual act for their primary partner/main squeeze {Reserving special acts or gestures for a primary partner is not uncommon in the swinging community, so we understood!}. But as consequence, my poor hubby was once again being left just outside of good ol’ club “Anal”. So one day I told him, “Fuck it babe. Lets work on me trying to get to a point where I like it so we can have butt sex!”. So off we went…down the long and winding road to anal sex. At one point, we both remembered when one of our swinging friends suggested trying butt plugs as a way to get tolerate to the feeling and sensation of anal sex. She also said…as an added side effect…it made for ridiculously intense and pleasurable orgasms. {She really sold it well, and I was due for an upgrade in the orgasm department anyways} And since we already had one of those butt plug thingy’s from way back when we first tried anal…. we said sure, we’re in! So we had a few sex sessions with the good ol’ awkwardly shaped hot pink butt plug and….HOLY SHIT. My orgasms were pretty fucking amazing. And so was our sex. I was already squirting before that point, but now I was like a fucking facet. So at this stage of the game, my new mantra became:

“Stretch that asshole out all you need…baby I’m a butt plug lover”!

So you see, on this Monday, a butt plug quickie was definitely in order.

And we already had a routine…

I smoked a little to get my senses heightened and my mind relaxed.

We lubed up the butt plug.

I inserted, he watched.

And then he went straight for the pussy.

{Turns out that a freshly inserted butt plug is a VERY GOOD time for cunnilingus. The wetter and more turned on that whole region is…the better}

Now, after our pretty standard routine of blowjobs, orgasms, and different positions…I asked my hubby to fuck me in one of my favorite positions…doggie style.

{And of course he obliged}

So there we were, just going at it. And pretty hard I will say. I have been liking rougher and rougher sex these days and we just so happen to have the house to ourselves, so our regular “the kids will hear so be quiet” rap was not in order. So lets just say the sex was…pretty dramatic.

Now usually when I orgasm with a butt plug in, my body pushes out the butt plug. I can feel it happening but it’s a part of the orgasm so I let it happen cause….well cause it feels fucking fantastic.

So while my hubby was pounding away this Monday morning, I felt the same thing happening. And like normal, I went with it. Enjoyed the ride.

Then I felt the pop. That pop that always happens at the end of my orgasm when the butt plug has popped out of me.

So I jumped off my hubby and together we looked for the plug.

I had just had a terrific orgasm so I was standing there rather blindly triumphant.

Los looked a bit and then looked up and me and said, “I can’t find it, but it cannot have fallen too far”.
I stood there and said “yea” knowing full well that my hubby would find the plug, we would pop that puppy back in and finish out the 2 to 3 orgasms I had left in me.

But my hubby stood there looking pretty perplexed.

Finally, he looks at me and said, “Baby I can’t find it. I mean, it didn’t go inside you did it?”

I balked at him, “Stupid. Of course not. My ass couldn’t swallow a whole butt plug. No way. Find it babe.”

So we both got on the floor and looked around. After about 5 more minutes of looking, I figured I would humor him and stick my fingers near my ass and just give it a quick feel.

I felt nothing. See… I knew it. It just rolled far.

Then I felt a little farther in.

And then.

I felt the suction cup tip.

Which belonged to the butt plug.

That now felt lodged in my anus.

I looked at my husband. Tears in my eyes. Fear in my heart. I called my hubby’s name.

He put his arms out, “Now baby calm down. Your gonna be fine. It’s just stuck. We will get it out.”

I’m crying and screaming and pacing and most thoroughly panicking at this point.

“Baby, calm down. You’re just high. It’s gonna be okay”

It was too late. I was a lost cause. I was hysterical. As it turns out, I do not like the feeling of a foreign object lodged in my rectum. Furthermore, I most certainly don’t like being high while I have a foreign object lodged in my rectum. Talk about paranoia…I was convinced I was gonna be the {Almost} SEXpert that died from a stuck butt plug…and that’s just NOT how I wanted to go down.

{I could see the headlines now}

So finally my hubby told me to get down and squat…pretend like I was taking a shit or giving birth: “You can do this… You’ve had two babies”

{The fact that my hubby was actually coaching me more through this then the birth of our ACTUAL children was too ironic for words. But at this time…I needed the coaching so I went with it}

And so I did. I squatted. And it didn’t. That stupid butt plug did not come out. It didn’t even budge.

I stuck my fingers up my ass. Didn’t help. My hubby stuck his fingers in my ass {don’t get excited boys…nothing erotic about it at that moment for either party…trust me}

I made him immediately pull his fingers out as it felt like his big fingers were doing NOTHING but pushing the little fucker farther up into my shit stream.

Finally.

I remembered something. You see…I used to sell sex toys. And I used to know a lot about butt sex. And I remembered in that moment that it is the sphincter muscle that pulls things up into the colon, and if I could just learn to relax that muscle, I could push out the plug. So I instructed Los to ask Siri, “How to relax a sphincter” Which he did. And Siri repeated back, “How to relax a sister”, and then gave us 235,409 ways to “relax a sister”. I know….fucking hysterical. We both laughed. We couldn’t help it. But then I made him stop. Laughing that is. I mean I could feel my laughter pushing that bad boy further up. Yea. I was fucked.

So he told me to go sit on the toilet and see if I could shit it out.

He was gonna look on YouTube, “We cannot be the only couple this has ever happened to” he said.

So that’s what we did.

As I was sitting on the toilet, I called my best friend @: “It’s me. I need you. Please tell me this has happened to you!”

Her response {with a pause}: “okay no. But…”

Me: No!

Her: “Listen, I know it has happened to a lot of people. It’s okay. It’s not a big deal, I promise”

Her: “Okay, did you try squatting.”

Me: Yes!

Her: “lube”

Me: Yes!

Her: This. That.

Me: Yes. Yes. Yes!

Her: “Okay. I’m gonna Google some more stuff, let me call you back”

Me: K wait. Do you think if I just have another orgasm it would just pop out?

Her: “ohh. I don’t know. It might do that, but it might pull it up more too. I wouldn’t risk it”

Me: okay {DAMMIT. There was a large part of me that desperately hoped the remedy to a stuck butt plug was gonna be a real good orgasm}

After sitting on the pot for what seemed like hours with no progress other then two asleep feet, I instructed Los to go get me some laxatives. I figured it was worth a try. I figured, just get your colon ready to eject…right?

He did so and I took them and…nothing.

My best friend called back.

Her: “How’s it going?”

Me: nothing
Her: “Okay. Is your colon inflamed?”

Me: @….I have a butt plug rammed inside my asshole. Of course it’s inflamed.

Her: “Okay. I hate to say it but I think it’s time to go to the hospital”

Me: NO!

Her: “Listen this is not a big deal. Your gonna be okay. But you better not mess with it anymore. Some of the things I read said you could really do some damage trying to fix it. And they all said it’s a very common thing!”

Me: {pouting} okay fine.

I looked up at Los. He already knew. We called a few urgent cares to see if they would take us. The first one was rude and said, “You have a what stuck wear?” and then put us on hold forever.

The second one told us they wouldn’t take us; we needed to go to the ER.

So off we went. I couldn’t even believe this was my life.

Los kept reassuring me, “No big deal”, “Who cares”.

Yet we got there, guess where Mister “No big deal, whatever” went? YEA…straight to the corner of the waiting room with sunglasses, a baseball cap, and headphones in place.

I walked up to the front desk.

Of course…A young, hot, male nurse.

Him: “How can I help you”

Me: Well. I don’t even know how to say it. It’s pretty embarrassing.

Him: {with a bit of a boyish smile} “It’s okay, I’ve seen it all in here, trust me”

Me: Okay, but this is a first for me so…

He started with all my other info, then looked up: “Okay why don’t you tell me what your in here for”

Me: Ha. Okay. Well. So…I have a thing. I mean. Well. Yeah. So I have a butt plug stuck inside me.

Him: {with a full-blown smirk now} “Okay. Yea not a big deal, it happens. Trust me, you should see what comes in here. At least yours is just a butt plug”

{At this point in the day, I admittedly felt a little “if one more person WITHOUT a stuck butt plug tells me “It’s not a big deal”…I will lose my shit. But in retrospect, that might not have been such a bad idea}

He then handed me my paperwork and shuffled me along to a triage area.

In the triage area, another hot young male nurse {of course…I mean what the fuck. Is it good looking nurse day at the hospital today?!!!!} took my blood pressure and temperature. He looked at me: “What are you here for”

{My inner thoughts: NOW HOW MANY OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DO I HAVE TO TELL? YOU DON’T HAVE SOME SPECIAL “PLUG IN ASS” CODE YOU GUYS ALL LAUGH AT IN THE BACK…COME ON NOW!!!}

I looked at him. He looked back at me ever so innocently.

Then I told him: “Well. You see. I have something…

….a butt plug. I have a butt plug stuck inside me. Okay. It’s happens when freaky sex gets a little too freaky. When freaky sex goes wrong”

Him: {with a definite smirk on his face} it’s okay, no judgment here, I get it, it happens…I mean not to me {of course he had to insert that part} but I mean we see it all the time”

As he took the thermometer out of my mouth, I said to him, “So what, no temp with a stuck butt plug”

The nurse laughed: “See I’m trying not to laugh but you keep making those comments”

Me: No it’s okay. Go ahead. I mean if we can’t laugh about this then what can we do.

He laughed a bit more, and then walked away.

Next walks in yet ANOTHER DAMN nurse: “Hi. What brings you in here today”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Sheesh you people really don’t talk do ya.

So after I told the Southern Baptist elderly nurse who what happened, and after listening to her comment “I don’t even know what a butt plug is”

And when I tried to explain “Never mind, I don’t want to know”

And then cringing through the dickhead doctor who wouldn’t even look me in the eyes…

I went and sat down with my hubby. And we waited. And waited. And waited.

Turns out a stuck butt plug is no true emergency. At least mine wasn’t. It was just an opportunity to wait in a crowded ER room in the most uncomfortable way possible.

As I sat there, my hubby rubbed my back. My how reminiscent this felt to me being in labor. Yet. The only thing to labor out this time was…a butt plug.

Mind you…my boss is texting me this whole time, uber concerned. I, of course, made the mistake of letting him know I was in the hospital and couldn’t work without thinking about the fact that he might actually be very concerned and want to know what happened. And I wasn’t quite sure how “Oh you know, I just had a butt plug stuck in my ass” was gonna come across.

So after about 2 hours, I finally couldn’t handle it anymore. They hadn’t even registered me yet. I was gonna be hear at least another 4 years at that point.
I took my phone into the bathroom and told my hubby to txt me if they called me name. I told him I was gonna get this Goddamned bastard out of me if it was the last thing I did in life.

The bathroom was filthy. There was some dried throw up on the wall. I wanted to die. This was fucking awful.

But I was determined.

I began to do a very fine dance of sitting on the pot and squatting over the floor.
I even rammed my fingers up my asshole yet again in the hopes of being able to rip the fucker from my anus. Nothing seemed to work. I was feeling so hopeless.

Finally. I just relaxed. I got into my deeper state of mind {btw. I was TOTALLY sober at this point}. I even admittedly…prayed a bit.

I started thinking to myself…”You can do this. Shit you have given birth twice. And people get fisted. Shit, they take giant shits. Come on…you can do this”

This pep talk lasted a whole twenty minutes before I felt a little movement down there. I perked up. Oh yea, that’s the stuff. I was pretty sure the “overnight” laxative was finally working its magical powers on my rectum.

I sat there and bared down. Pushed like I have never pushed before. And FINALLY with one pop…one tiny little victorious pop…BAM!

That hot pink butt plug shot straight out of me into a pile of toilet paper already circulating in the toilet.

I couldn’t believe it. The same hospital that I delivered both my beautiful babies at…and here I am birthing a butt plug in the dirty bathroom of that same hospital.

I was in awe. I txt Los, “It came out. I don’t know what to do. What do I do?”

His reply: “Come on. Lets get the fuck out of here”

I took some paper towels and carefully extracted the butt plug from the toilet and threw it in the trash.
I sterilized my hands, and high tailed it over to my hubby.

He basically hit the ground running by the time I was barely at the reception desk, with the same nurse, asking permission to leave.

He asked why.
I looked at him intently and said, “well the problem rectified itself if you know what I mean”

He smirked, yet again, and said, “Okay, hold on, I have to have a head nurse discharge you”

So after about another 45 minutes, a head nurse came down and in front of all the random 25 extra people who had gathered at registration at that point…loudly exclaims: “okay, what happened”

I asked her for some privacy and she offered an empty room.
I looked at her rather matter of factly and said: “Well, I had a stuck butt plug but I just pooped it out in your bathroom and now I want to go home cause I just don’t need to pay a thousand dollars so a doctor can tell me I’m going to have hemorrhoids for life now. I already know I will”

She looked at me, somewhat confused, somewhat understanding and said, “No I totally get it. And I don’t blame you. We have a 6 hour wait right now and I wouldn’t want to wait like that either”

So she signed my papers and off I went. I practically ran to our car. I opened the door. Threw on my belt. And told my husband to take me to the nearest place selling alcohol. We settled on El Torito and as I sat with my gigantic margarita, Los and I talked about the craziness of that day. My husband brought up a pretty valid point at that time. He commented on how much easier this situation was on me, being that I was a woman. {I thought…wow. What a strange place for privilege} But he was right, I totally did have that whole “super cool wife who likes dirty sex and takes it in the ass” cape on the whole time I was there. Especially with all the young, hot, male nurses working there. But if my hubby, or another man were to walk into that ER room, they might have a different experience entirely, even if they were straight in orientation. But at any rate. We ate and then went home. I took a nap. I was pretty worn out to say the least.

Some side notes: we were both thoroughly traumatized over this experience. Now that it was over, we were able to admit that. BUT STILL…that Friday we were at a sex toy store explaining our fiasco to a friendly sex toy store clerk who was helping us to shop for a butt plug with a much larger base {and we ended up with a vibrating butt plug….DUDE. All I have to say is: GET ONE}. We also got some extra lube. And even though we now both have a VERY THOROUGH UNDERSTANDING OF THE IMPORTANCE OF SAFE BUTT SEX, we have continued to use butt plugs while fucking. Cause I mean…when you fall off a bike you get right back on again. Right?…

But hey…listen. Lesson learned people. Safe sex is not just condoms and birth control. Safe sex is watching where your toys are. And where they aren’t as well. Additionally…butt plugs need a LARGE base.

And lastly, try not to hold on to your pride over your safety.

I mean if you get something stuck in your ass while exploring your sexuality, don’t be ashamed. You’re not weird or gross. You were just exploring. The only thing that should be cringe worthy is the doctor bill you might end up with at the end of the fiasco. BUTT not the embarrassment of the ordeal. Not that. I mean after all…It’s no big deal. It happens all the time

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We are a small grass roots sex blog and our mission is to sexually empower all humans, no matter their gender, race, orientation, religion, or walk of life. We are a community of open-minded, open-hearted, sexual beings who are working hard to make a positive impact in this body and sex shaming society.
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About Take Back Your Sex

We are a small grass roots sex blog and our mission is to sexually empower all humans, no matter their gender, race, orientation, religion, or walk of life. We are a community of open-minded, open-hearted, sexual beings who are working hard to make a positive impact in this body and sex shaming society.

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