Swingers Diaries: Fucking in a Fucking Scary World

 

TRIGGER WARNING: EXISTENTIAL TOPICS ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD AND DEATH

Fucking in a Fucking Scary World. ✨

{That one sex club story I didn’t tell you about}

My husband and I went to a sex club last Saturday night.

We started having sex beforehand. It was great sex. Magical sex. ✨??

Afterwards, we dressed and went to the club. It was fun and adventurous like it has been in the past but I also had a lot of reservations going in, which was new for me. ?

I thought maybe it was just retrograde and so I still went with the plan but I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable with the whole night and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I mean…I know that I have been feeling very much under pressure with all the blog stuff and on top of it, it is very chicken little in my head right now but Jesus, for me to not want to be putting on a show for everyone? ??

“WTF universe…what happened to all that kinky shit I used to like to do?…

I mean fuck this existential madness…go ahead and implode on yourself world…I swear to ALL the Gods I will NEVER go vanilla again…this cannot be what this all means, IT SIMPLY CANNOT!!!……………Is basically how I was feeling. ?

Cleary I enjoy my kinky way of life. Clearly. ?

But being in that sex club last Saturday night with all those sexy couples and all that fun energy and all that opportunity for adventure; and STILL feeling so uneasy and uncomfortable made me realize I had a little something deeper going on then just my usual Freud housewife madness.?

So I did some processing. And I realized how much my husband and I were connecting before we left for the club. How much pure passion and comfort and soul satisfying sex we were having already in our own room without the extra stimuli of a sex club thrown in the mix. And then I realized that the contrast to the new environment we were in was too much for me. I couldn’t handle the juxtaposition. And not necessarily in a bad way, just in a different way…depth versus novel carnality if you will. I mean…if you are going to make love with a soul mate…make love with a soul mate. If you are going to bang a bunch of kinky strangers, bang a bunch of kinky strangers. But both in one night…well it’s a tricky proposition I have come to determine for myself.?

And then even beyond all of the body parts, lust and squirting orgasms…there is this as well:

With all the weight of the warring world heavy upon my heart…last Saturday night…I needed to be in the arms of my long time trusted and loving partner, plain and simple.

Because being made to feel as though the end of the world could be a button push away at any moment, beginning to feel as if I could be convicted and stoned because of my rebellious, political views, and KNOWING damn well that the bees are dying and the world is need of a miracle and time is running out…

I didn’t want to be in the arms of a stranger that night.

I only wanted to be in the arms of a lover.

My lover. ❤

I only wanted to feel the healing touch of his hands.

One of my favorite healer’s is Ester Perel. She has a wonderful TedTalk online regarding desire, and on it she comments:

“But more importantly, for me to begin to understand who are the couples who have an erotic spark, what sustains desire, I had to go back to the original definition of eroticism, the mystical definition, and I went through it through a bifurcation by looking, actually, at trauma, which is the other side. And I looked at it,looking at the community that I had grown up in, which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors, and in my community, there were two groups: those who didn’t die, and those who came back to life. And those who didn’t die lived often very tethered to the ground, could not experience pleasure, could not trust, because when you’re vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure, you can’t lift your head to go and take off in space and be playful and safe and imaginative. Those who came back to life were those who understood the erotic as an antidote to death. They knew how to keep themselves alive. And when I began to listen to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with, I sometimes would hear people say, “I want more sex,” but generally, people want better sex, and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness, of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality, of Eros, of energy that sex used to afford them, or that they’ve hoped it would afford them.”

Last Saturday night, after the club, when my husband and I got home, we continued to have sex. We connected back to that Eros, that vitality, that feeling we get when we are both actively engaged in sex in a world that seems to be falling apart. We engaged in this sex as anecdote to a fear we both have that neither of us have words yet to describe.

We used our bodies and our love to feel alive again.

Afterwards we both agreed that it was the best sex, hands down, we have ever had. Ever.

Not when we first met. Not during the honeymoon phase. Not in those early kinky years of sex clubs and naked orgies…Nope.

A simple 15 years later, in the late night hours of a magical Saturday evening in…on the couch of our new home together, with a wife possessing just the right amount of existential fear, bravado of a new empowered woman straight out of the closet, and a husband desperately trying to make his wife okay again…

We had the kind of sex that moves you to tears.

The kind of passion that gets you kissing again.

The kind of magic that makes you fall back in love with life because you respect death too much to squander the opportunity to feel that way one last time. ❤❤❤

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Tanya Marie is a kinky sexpert, blogger & writer. Her work focuses primarily on sexuality, sensuality/self love, and her occasional late-night tales of the swinging lifestyle.

She is a 4th wave, intersectional feminist, proud slut, and mommy to two wonderful little girls.
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About Tanya Marie

Tanya Marie is a kinky sexpert, blogger & writer. Her work focuses primarily on sexuality, sensuality/self love, and her occasional late-night tales of the swinging lifestyle. She is a 4th wave, intersectional feminist, proud slut, and mommy to two wonderful little girls.

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