Accepting My Bisexuality

      12 Comments on Accepting My Bisexuality

When I look back at my childhood I remember having crushes on both men and women at an early age. Of course, being a 5 year old and having a crush doesn’t always mean much. Two in particular that stand out for me are Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, and Shelly Duvall  from the Shining. The thoughts were innocent enough, somewhere along the lines of “I want to marry them one day!” I didn’t question it. I just let these thoughts come and go, too young and naive to judge myself for them then.

As I got older the girl crushes didn’t stop, but I knew not to express those. I don’t know how I knew that, but I did. I assumed everyone liked girls and boys, but it was one of those things you don’t talk about.

Fast forward to my late teens. I had already experienced sex with a girl and a guy {separately}, but I assumed I was just “curious”, or that I was just a slut, something I had been called by peers at school. I wasn’t too hung up on the word slut, but I did have some guilt which continued to grow through my early 20’s. I did not want to be called a lesbian because I was so girly, and it seemed like the word would strip some of that away {dumb stereotype-fear, for the win!}, and I honestly don’t even know that I knew what bisexuality was at the time. So I never talked about the sex-with-the-girl-stuff. Sometimes I would admit to kissing a girl, especially because a lot of guys thought that was hot {MAJOR eye roll to my young self, here…}

I started watching a show called THE L WORD and was obsessed with the character Shane {Kate Moennig}. My mom used to see me watching it all the time, sometimes I would try to hide the fact that I had it on the TV. I guess my inner shame was showing. When I put Shane as the background of my desktop my mom came to me and said…

“Meg… do you have something to tell me?” I looked at her and quickly said “NOOO, what do you mean?” she said “Well, I know how much of a crush you have on Shane..” to which I replied something along the lines of “NO I DON’T, MOM! I just think she’s cool.. What do you think I am, a lesbian or something?”

“No, I didn’t say that.  I am just asking, and you know, if you were a lesbian, I would love you just the same!”

I rolled my eyes and that was that.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if my mom had any other clues or inclinations about my sexuality. I certainly didn’t. I was happy to keep having crushes on women and never talk about them, in hindsight, I know that wouldn’t have lasted long.

Throughout my life I went back and forth between men and women, but REFUSED to believe that bisexuality was valid. When I fell for a woman, I decided the proper term for my orientation was lesbian. When I fell for a man, I declared I was straight all along, and just exploring, I mean, how else could I make sense of this?

So. Why did I have such a hard time accepting my bisexuality?

Many reasons. I heard it wasn’t real. I heard it was dirty. I was afraid people wouldn’t want to be with me because I would never be satisfied. Biphobia.

Something about coming out as a lesbian felt very “FUCK THE PATRIARCHY”, it fit like a glove. It was so me, until I met my {now ex}husband. Then, I got into polyamory and dated men and women again, but ultimately went for monogamy with my current partner, therefore making me a lesbian once more. The back and forth was embarrassing, but bisexuality felt even more embarrassing. Once we decided to be polyamorous, I finally gave myself the permission to ask the big question… AM I BISEXUAL?

I will admit at first, I couldn’t say it out-loud. I went to a sex-positive meet up where they ask those who identify as “bi” to come to the center of the room. I panicked and blushed, I couldn’t move. That same night I heard the term pansexual and tried that on for size, someone told me it was more inclusive. I didn’t have years of judgment and resentment to pansexuality, so I thought that could be it… that could describe me!

For a long time I thought bisexual meant “attracted to men and women”, and while that was true for most of my life {for lack of understanding, exposure and experience}, now I realize that I am also attracted to trans, non-binary, and gender nonconforming people. So, why then would I still stick with bisexual?

For me, the fact that I was so against calling myself “Bisexual” confounded me to dig really deep before turning away from it. The most discrimination I have witnessed first-hand against bisexuals is from the LGBTQ community itself, and since there is already enough bi erasure as is, I wanted to sit with my discomfort around BI and explore.

As far as for inclusivity, I see it like this…

I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.Robyn Ochs

It is important that YOU feel good about how you describe your orientation. While we don’t get to choose our orientation, we do get to choose our labels. Some people think labels don’t matter or are unnecessary, whereas I fall into the category that believes they are helpful in understanding yourself, gaining exposure and acceptance, and building community. There isn’t one way to be. I also understand that sexuality is fluid, and while I am a PROUD BISEXUAL today, this could change by next year. But I am happy with where I am. I finally have the confidence and support I’ve needed to say…

I’M PROUD TO BE BI!
Megan Ashley on EmailMegan Ashley on FacebookMegan Ashley on InstagramMegan Ashley on LinkedinMegan Ashley on TwitterMegan Ashley on Wordpress
mm
CoFounder & Editor in Chief at TakeBackYourSex.com
Pronouns: She/Her. Sex geek and polyamorous princess who writes and talks about all things sex & relationships on the internet. Her work focuses primarily on healing from trauma, and how living with PTSD, anxiety, and depression affects her sexuality.
mm

About Megan Ashley

Pronouns: She/Her. Sex geek and polyamorous princess who writes and talks about all things sex & relationships on the internet. Her work focuses primarily on healing from trauma, and how living with PTSD, anxiety, and depression affects her sexuality.

12 thoughts on “Accepting My Bisexuality

  1. Fertilegirl

    Great article. Love your growing confidence and spreading interests.

    I have never needed to desribe myself as straight , lesbi or bi. I am now attracted to gurls and would like to enter into a relationship with a very femm gurl and have a baby, a baby with two mommies. I have chatted with my other kids and granddaughter (lving with me) and they think that would be cool.

    Reply
    1. mmTake Back Your Sex

      Thank you for reading! and that’s lovely. My partner and I also want to have a baby together- and our baby would have two mommies, of course. Glad your family is supportive of that as well!!! xo- Megan

      Reply
  2. Criag

    Megan:

    What a wonderful article! Three years ago I had sex with a man for the first time and my wife had sex with a woman for the first time. We too, have “discovered” our Bi-Sexuality. Since that time each of us have enjoyed our new relationships with our same sex partners and our love for each other has gotten stronger. I only wish that we had found this out years ago.

    Reply
    1. mmTake Back Your Sex

      I am so happy to hear that Craig! Thank you for commenting. It can be quite a journey but I am so glad you have found yourself, both you and your wife- and that your love is only growing stronger! xo- Meg

      Reply
  3. Ric

    I was fifty before I had sex with another man. I’m 63 now, and lean to preferring to service a man, than to be with a woman. I found I absolutely love having a man penetrate me. I only wish I would have known about the enjoyment I had missed when I was younger.

    Reply
    1. mmTake Back Your Sex

      I am SO GLAD you found what you love now, and thank you for sharing! Figuring this stuff out can take so long. Proud of you! XOXO- Meg

      Reply

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