Ask Sex Coach Leigh: Is it normal to want to watch my wife with another man?

 

Q: Is it normal to want to watch my wife with another man?

Hello lovely! The short answer to this, and pretty much all “am I normal?” questions regarding activities between consenting adults, is HELL YES. Desire is a big, beautiful landscape with room for all kinds of expression. Lots of folks like to watch, just like lots of folks like to be watched. Since you didn’t tell me much else about yourself or your situation, let’s dig a little deeper:

Does your wife know you want to watch her with another man? If you haven’t told her your fantasy yet, there are a few ways to broach the subject. One idea is a date night where you promise to tell each other three things you fantasize about that you’ve never revealed to each other. Make sure she understands that just because you say it, doesn’t mean you have to do it. If either of you can’t come up with three things (sometimes the topic of fetishes and desires can make even the most communicative partner suddenly shy), you can use a sex questionnaire for inspiration. You could also watch some cuckold porn, and see if that turns her on – while showing her how much it turns YOU on. Or mention a guy that you know she’s always had a crush on, and see how she would feel if a date with him came with your blessing.

Let’s say you tell her and it’s not her cup of sexy tea. Whether she’s afraid of safety risks, experiencing a drop in libido, or she only has eyes for you, a “no” is just as valid as a “yes.” Only she can tell you how hard that “no” is. Maybe she needs some time to get used to the idea, or to understand that you’re for real and you’re not going to fly into a jealous rage. (There are a lot of bullshit narratives out there around men and jealousy and possessiveness.) You can let some time pass and ask again, but make sure that you’re not pushing, and that you’re respecting her boundaries if she asks you to drop it. In that case, the fantasy might have to stay just that… a fantasy. But that doesn’t mean you can’t incorporate it into your dirty talk, your porn viewing, or your masturbatory imagination.

Or maybe you’ve already told her, and she is just as excited as you. Sometimes we luck out, and the voyeur ends up with the exhibitionist, the dominant ends up with the submissive, and the foot fetishist ends up with the shoe lover. (My expert advice is to TALK ABOUT THIS SHIT FROM THE START, especially if you’re monogamy-minded, so you don’t have to rely on happy accidents. But I know it’s not always that easy.)

So you’re down, your wife is down… now how do you find the man of both of your dreams? The good news is that this is pretty easy. As we all know, the internet was created for four main things: porn, cat videos, arguing about politics, and finding strangers to do naked things with. There’s Craigslist, OKCupid, Tinder, Feeld, FetLife, Adult Friend Finder, Swing Lifestyle, Lifestyle Lounge… you just need to pick your poison. When there are two people meeting one person, the couple is in the position of power. Nonetheless, the advice to meet in a public place first is true for literally all stranger encounters. So message back and forth, book a hotel room if you can afford it, and take the nice man out for a drink or a cup of coffee to see if you all hit it off. Even if you prefer a one-time encounter, where the manly man is fucking your hot wife and you’re cowering in the corner, remember that you are still dealing with another human being. Role play scenarios can be hot as hell, but treat anyone with even a bit part in your fantasy life with the same respect you’d afford any lover or friend.

Now what if you prefer a more organic meet and greet? In most cases, you can’t just invite the besties over for board games and see what happens (though more power to you if that’s your friend dynamic). If you’d rather not spend time messaging back and forth, you can meet likeminded folks at swinger parties, play parties, sex clubs, or lifestyle resorts. The number and frequency of these events in your area are going to vary widely based on where you live, but most large to mid-size US cities have some kind of alternative sex scene.

I hope this gave you some ideas, and more importantly, assured you that you are not just normal, but the best kind of normal: a sex-positive guy looking to increase his and his partner’s pleasure. Now go get that dick!

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Certified Sex Coach & Clinical Sexologist
Leigh Montavon is a professional sex coach and clinical sexologist, as well as a queer, polyamorous, kinky, feminist mama. She likes reading and cooking and trying to stay awake through TV shows. She is usually running at least fifteen minutes late.
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About Leigh Montavon

Leigh Montavon is a professional sex coach and clinical sexologist, as well as a queer, polyamorous, kinky, feminist mama. She likes reading and cooking and trying to stay awake through TV shows. She is usually running at least fifteen minutes late.

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