Getting Started In Kink

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So you think you might be kinky. Welcome to the club! We are an eclectic gathering of freaks and geeks and everything in between. And we’d love to have you.

No, not have you (though maybe that, too…you down?) but you know…have you. Rayne Millaray

I know what you’re thinking. “How do I do this thing that you do?” And the answer is simple and difficult at the same time. Because, you see, to know how to do it is to do it, and that is where the nerves kick in. How anxiety-inducing is jumping into the deep end with both feet when you can’t see the bottom, eh? But it’s okay! Even kink has a wading pool.

Before you do anything, you need to answer some questions about yourself. Questions like:

  • Do you like pain?
  • Do you want to be in control, or do you want to give up control?
  • Maybe you want both? Both are good.
  • If you don’t like pain, do you like other sensations, like tickling?
  • How do you feel about rope?
  • Leather? (Fake leather if you’re vegan.)
  • How deep do you want to go?

You don’t have to answer all of these questions right away. In fact, at least half the fun of BDSM is learning those things as you go by trying the things that intrigue you with people you trust. But you should at least attempt to have a cursory idea of what is drawing you to kink so you can figure out what you want to try.

The best way to do that is to fill out a BDSM checklist (free download). On that list is just about any fetish or sex act you might encounter in a BDSM setting or with a kinky partner. If you don’t know what some of them mean, don’t panic. That’s normal. You can Google them, or you can sign up for a Fetlife account (it’s free!) and check out their BDSM Glossary.

A lot of kinky folks would suggest you start at a site like Fetlife, anyway. It’s a place where you can anonymously meet other kinksters in your area and around the world, discuss kink, find events you’d like to attend (classes, munches, parties, conferences, parades, etc.), and even find a mentor if you feel like you need one (which is entirely up to you).

But before you get too involved in the rush of meeting new people and trying new things, maybe do a little research. Some great sites to check out are:

There are loads of others, but these are some of my favorites.

If you’d rather read a book than a website, there are a lot of good places to start. Despite knowing I am submissive, I started with The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren. For me, it felt like a good jumping off point because it gave me some insight into the inner workings of the dominant mind, but it also helped me figure out what I wanted and needed from a dominant partner. Probably the most suggested book is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. Another good one, I’m told, is The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino. I’ve not read it yet, but I’ve seen some of Tristan’s other work, and have been impressed with Tristan’s approach to teaching people how to kink, and I trust that this book follows suit. If these aren’t enough, there’s a whole list of non-fiction kink books on GoodReads for you to check out.

When you feel ready, start seeking out play partners or kinky dates, or maybe find a munch (a casual gathering of kinky people in a non-kinky environment, usually for discussion and often involving food) to attend. You don’t necessarily have to do this on Fetlife. A lot of kinksters who utilize “vanilla” (non-kinky) dating sites and other social media indicate their kinky interests in their bios. I found my master at my next door neighbor’s house without ever setting foot (or fingers, as the case may be) inside a kinky social setting. While you don’t have to attend munches (or any other BDSM event) to be kinky, some people find them helpful and fun.

Keep in mind that consent is the most important tenet in BDSM. It’s what separates kinky fun from sexual assault and domestic violence. Everyone has the right to give or withhold consent for any sex act, or even nonsexual touching, within a BDSM environment (or any environment, really). This means that even if you identify as a submissive slut, no one has the right to touch you without your permission…not even your dominant. And the same goes for dominants and switches.

If you’re already in a relationship, and you’d like to introduce kink into your sex life, these suggestions still apply, with the added advice of inviting your partner to research with you, and do some research on their own. The two of you could work on your checklist together. Make it fun by trying things out on each other.

Another great way to introduce kink to your relationship is to read some kinky erotica together. My personal fave is Alison Tyler’s A Story of Submission series (Dark Secret Love, The Delicious Torment, Wrapped Around Your Finger), but here’s a GoodReads list full of amazing kinky erotica. It does include the 50 Shades of Grey series, which I’m not super fond of for all the reasons mentioned in this article in The Atlantic (tl;dr – consent is discussed but immediately after discussing consent, Christian—the dominant—violates his own rules, and at least once, he ignores Anna and does what he wants when she tells him “no”), but a lot of people find themselves turned on by it. I’m not here to judge anyone’s fantasies. I’m just here to educate.

Ultimately, how to go about getting involved in kink is entirely up to you. What do you hope to get out of it? Who do you hope to meet? What sorts of things do you want to try? Answer those questions, and your kinky path will show itself to you.

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Rayne Millaray
Rayne Millaray is a wild, 30-something, kinky sex enthusiast. She’s been having sex since 1996, blogging about her life as an owned pleasure slave since 2005, advocating for a sex-positive society since 2008 and working in the adult industry since 2010. Her writing is published on various blogs around the web, including her personal site Insatiable Desire (www.InsatiableDesire.com). Rayne is, without a doubt, the girl your mother warned you about. Chaos incarnate. And she loves it.

About Rayne Millaray

Rayne Millaray is a wild, 30-something, kinky sex enthusiast. She’s been having sex since 1996, blogging about her life as an owned pleasure slave since 2005, advocating for a sex-positive society since 2008 and working in the adult industry since 2010. Her writing is published on various blogs around the web, including her personal site Insatiable Desire (www.InsatiableDesire.com). Rayne is, without a doubt, the girl your mother warned you about. Chaos incarnate. And she loves it.

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