Being a unicorn in the lifestyle is awesome. Both men and women want to be around you, talk to you, be your friend, and of course have wild passionate sex with you. But being a unicorn in the real world is not always rainbows and sunshine. There are feelings of guilt, regret, and shame.
Bisexual is an all-encompassing, broad, comprehensive term that defines a person that can love someone of either gender. Love does not mean the same thing to everyone. A bisexual can be attracted physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or desire to have a relationship with a person of either sexual orientation. Whoa. That’s a lot to bind to one word.
Bisexuality is misunderstood. Talk to 10 people in or out of the LGBTQ community about bisexuality and you’re going to get 10 very different views.
Most people, whether gay or straight, view bisexuality as a phase. Men are often viewed as being a closeted gay man when they identify as bisexual. Women are viewed as hurt, insecure, or experimenting. There is an assumption that at some point in time, a bisexual person is going to pick a team.
This misunderstanding, that I myself perpetuated for years, makes it incredibly difficult for someone to explore their bisexuality or speak up about it.
I once read an article that stated being bisexual is like being caught in a custody battle when no one wants you. Straight people assume (and yes, I’m generalizing here) that you are a sexual deviant incapable of upholding morals and will go cheating on your spouse to fulfill your sexual desires. Gay people don’t consider you one of their own since you bat for the other team, too.
My attraction to women is definitely physical, very emotional, and extremely sexual, yet there isn’t a desire to have a romantic relationship. I often felt caught between wondering if I was a closeted gay woman or if I was just experimenting.
No one ever questioned why I was with a man, even though they may have disapproved of the frequency of my hookups. However, when I would tell some people about being with another woman, everyone just assumed it was me experimenting. It didn’t feel like experimenting: I felt the same amount of attraction, desire, and connection.
The truth is, I like sex. I like sex a lot. Sex feels great. I forget about every other worry in my life when I’m having sex. It is the only time that I have the ability to let go of my insecurities and am able to just be me.
So I have sex a lot.
While society, in general, accepts that a man who has sex with multiple women is just sowing their seed, a woman is called promiscuous, slut, whore, and a variety of other words. Even open-minded individuals have the propensity to perpetuate slut-shaming through jokes, memes, and social media.
And it’s not just about the frequency one has sex; there is also a message that good girls don’t enjoy or like sex. It is sad that this has pervaded our culture because it is one of the most destructive messages I have encountered.
Scientifically, I know that orgasms are good for us. However, after sex I’m often bombarded with feelings of guilt. Guilty for enjoying myself. Guilty for not being in a serious relationship. Guilty for wanting more. I shouldn’t feel like something’s wrong with me, or that I’m bad for what I’m doing. I want to be a “good” girl, too.
Multi Sexus [Latin: Many sex]
Whether someone is gay, straight, bisexual, or anything in between, most people only understand having a deep connection with one other person. It’s obviously the most common scenario, and it is what is accepted in our society.
But it’s not the only way to love.
Thankfully there are more programs, movies, and conversations about people loving more than one person. Growing up, I never came across a single example of it.
I had had some random nights of drunken debauchery that ended up with a woman and a man in my arms. They were fun, although they were truly just fun sexual experiences without any real substance.
Then I was fortunate to enter into a relationship with a friend and her husband. It was beautiful. There was no jealousy. We genuinely cared about each other, and, because of this, we had a deep emotional connection and the sex was phenomenal. The three of us were able to experience the pure ecstasy of being open, vulnerable, and sexually free. And I loved every moment I spent with them in and out of the bedroom.
There is no doubt in my mind that I am bisexual. I’ve known it for years: before I was married, while I was married, and especially now that I’m not married. In order to become completely at ease with my bisexuality, I thought about what anyone does to master something… practice.
Since my separation, I am openly embracing my bisexuality. I am seeking out experiences with both men and women as a means to truly discover what it is that makes me happy. After all, isn’t being happy with yourself really the only purpose in life?
Thanks to technology, I have searched and found many other people that are also exploring their sexuality. Couples that want to share their love with another woman. Friends who want to explore their sexuality with other like-minded individuals free of judgement. I have discussions with these people about sex, sexuality, and how they own their own sexuality. It is through these discussions that I have learned to embrace my own sexual desires.
I am not a sexual deviant for enjoying sex. Most people do enjoy sex. I am not confused or experimenting because I like to be with men and women. I am simply bisexual.
No longer am I limited to a monogamous life. I can love a man, a woman, and more than one at the same time. I no longer feel the pressures of society to conform to a certain standard because everyone is unique. I am unique, yet I am not alone. I experience love differently from the mainstream. And there are others out there who want to experience my kind of love. And that’s ok.
I am free to be the amazing unicorn that I am.