Ask Sex Coach Leigh: What do women with extremely high sex drives do to find responsible kinky people?

 

Question
I have never found a partner that creatively matched me, or that has my sex drive, that wasn’t a fuckboy. Am I doomed? What do (Scorpio) women with extremely high sex drives do to find responsible kinky people? The apps are extremely frustrating…

A: Hi lovely! This is a great – and to be honest, super challenging – question. First of all, I do not think you’re doomed. At all. I think you know yourself and you know what you want, which are both amazing qualities. I don’t go all in on the law of attraction, but I do believe that folks who are clear about what they want are more likely to get it. I also think it sometimes requires taking an inventory of our previous patterns to find people who are a good fit for us.

There’s a bit of conventional wisdom that says “the common denominator in all your relationships is you.” While this is technically true, I prefer to see it as “the common denominator in all your relationships is your choices.” So if all your creative, high sex drive partners have all been fuckboys, maybe your dating criteria needs a bit of tweaking. Putting creativity and high sex drive at the top of your must-haves list is awesome. But what else needs to be up there as equally important in the kind of partner you want? You’ll have to figure out what makes the most sense to you, but the traits that come up for me as decidedly “anti-fuckboy” are things like emotional intelligence, empathy, respect, altruism, and warmth. For example, I’ve met quite a few narcissists with high sex drives who were incredibly smart and talented. But they sure as hell weren’t empathetic or emotionally available.

So where do you find these people? I feel you on the dating apps – there’s a lot of bullshit to wade through, especially if you are looking to meet hetero men. Women generally have more options when it comes to online dating, but as we all know, more doesn’t necessarily equal better. You mentioned kinky folks, and I think that’s going to be key. Of course, I could send you to FetLife and call it a day, but
1) I’m sure you are already familiar with it and
2) there is absolutely no guarantee that you will find responsible kinksters over there.

What has worked best for me in finding the type of people that I want to hang out with AND have sex with has been becoming active in different communities. I have primarily gravitated toward the queer and poly communities here in Los Angeles, but there are kink communities active in most cities. Going to events, classes, munches, and play parties gives you the chance to not just meet people you might want to date, but to see how they interact with other people, too. It’s like the “how they treat the waitertest – seeing how people behave in social spaces and who their friends are provides a lot more information than an online dating profile ever can. You might not immediately be able to determine the height of their sex drive, but you will get a sense of how they are perceived in the community (with the bonus of knowing they’re kinky).

Keep on being your sexy, confident self, and the right guys will come around. And don’t be afraid to make 2018 the Year of No Fuckboys.

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Certified Sex Coach & Clinical Sexologist
Leigh Montavon is a professional sex coach and clinical sexologist, as well as a queer, polyamorous, kinky, feminist mama. She likes reading and cooking and trying to stay awake through TV shows. She is usually running at least fifteen minutes late.

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