A Unicorn’s relationship with polyamory
“I don’t want to be stopped from loving people”.
This was my answer to a friend who asked me recently why I am polyamorous. We had been discussing another mutual friend whose reason for being polyamorous was that she didn’t want to be possessed and it got me thinking about what my own reason was.
I am in love with love and I love to love.
Monogamy prevents me from expressing my vast capacity for intimate love with all of the people whom I would choose to share it with.
Polyamory sets me free.
The term ‘unicorn’ is sometimes used on the poly scene to refer to a single bisexual woman; I am a unicorn according to this definition and this year, I have embraced the unicorn life. I spent time in captivity and I lost my sparkle, but now I am able to prance where I wish and share my magic with those who can get close enough to gain my trust…for unicorns can be flighty beasts.
I’m going to rewind to the year 2010 to show you the bigger picture of how I came to be a polyamorous unicorn.
In 2010, I was in a monogamous relationship with a man who I would later marry (and divorce). Previous partners of mine had rejected my bisexuality, telling me that I was a slag or it was disgusting, which I understood was them failing to address their own insecurities but at the time the harsh judgments frightened me so much that I decided that it would be best if I kept my bisexuality a secret. My would-be husband though, was open to it, which I found out after seeing a woman on American Idol one evening when we were watching TV. She was the first woman I had a full sexual experience with when I was 18 and I had been absolutely infatuated with her gorgeousness, which all came flooding back to me when I saw her on TV.
Spontaneously, I decided to tell would-be husband and ultimately, this led to a discussion where I admitted that I would like to explore my sexuality as I had not been with a woman since that time with the scantily-clad blonde bombshell that was now before my very eyes on TV. I had the green light to proceed! So I set out to research online how I could meet bisexual women and I stumbled across various websites advertising swingers’ parties.
While it hadn’t been our intention to become swingers, we discovered a whole underground world of sexual desire and adventure that we could access via contact sites, a little like Facebook for people that were looking to broaden their sexual horizons.
Fast forward to 2014 and the marriage was open, meaning that both myself and my (now ex) husband permitted each other to have sex with other people either together or apart. One thing that I learned during those 4 years was that it was not just my high sex-drive that made me take to the lifestyle like a duck to water, but also that making meaningful connections with people on an intimate level, whether as friends or lovers, was what I thrived on. I had so much love to give and being in an open relationship meant that I could share my heart with more than one person.
Unicorns like to flirt too, did I mention that? Don’t you just love the exhilaration of meeting a new person and learning all their mannerisms, facial expressions, quirks, what gets a good reaction from them, the sexy talk and what we in the UK call ‘banter’? You can’t have these things when you’re monogamous unless you’re an adulterer, which is definitely not my bag. The sparkling excitement of forming a new bond with someone you adore is utterly delicious.
Am I greedy? Probably a little. I want what I want when I want it and I want a lot of it, frequently.
Fast forward again to 2017 and I was engaged to a man whom I had been in a semi-monogamous relationship with for a few years. I say semi-monogamous because while I was permitted to have intimate liaisons with women, that would only be with my fiancé’s approval and also his involvement. I was subject to a one-penis policy and my ability to meet and connect with new women intimately was rather curtailed. Looking back, I was sad a lot of the time. Like a unicorn that had been chained up alone in a bare paddock, with only approved visitors allowed, my sparkle gradually dulled. I could not frolic. I could not toss my mane at other unicorns in a dare for them to chase me.
My heart was in a cage.
I was in a cage.
My ex-fiancé and I did explore polyamory ourselves; we had our own unicorn for a time but it didn’t work out. While our triad brought up a lot of painful issues for me, it also showed me that I truly was made for maintaining more than one intimate relationship.
There is a gushing waterfall of love within me that is always waiting to burst out; one person alone cannot withstand the force of my love, it drowns them and consumes me. I am much more peaceful when there can be more than one object of my affections.
Since becoming single I have trotted out of the bare paddock with a kick of my shiny hooves and galloped into the meadow of polyamory.
My waterfall of love is nourishing some intimate bonds that I cherish and most of all, it is nourishing me.
When monogamous, I have tended to form co-dependent relationships and these drain me.
As a unicorn, I value and cherish myself enough not to allow myself to become drained because while my waterfall is always flowing, I have chosen the recipients wisely; they feed me, I feed them yet we do not need each other. It’s a beautiful thing.
Now I must go, and prance as unicorns do. Perhaps you’ll find me in a meadow one day. If you do, approach me gently, unicorns have feelings too.